The Window

Does a persons dreams act as a window to our soul?  In a conversation the other day I learned of a beautiful bright white room.  It was described as the most amazing, beautiful, pain free, at peace place one will ever experience.  If that was heaven then that is where I want to be.  Although this "dream" did not last long enough, a voice, a voice called his name "Bill?" and it was done.  Pulled away from the bright white room.  Which leaves me to question - Was this a sample of what is to come or was this just a silly Morphine induced dream?  Honestly, I'm not ready to die to find out.

We have made it through yet another holiday.  I worried that Christmas was gonna be hard, but it really wasn't.  I didn't waste my time thinking about this probably being my last Christmas with him.  Instead I savored each word of every conversation.  It all comes back to regrets......I will never regret the time I have spent with my dad.

He is going on week 3 of his Chemo Therapy.  He has been tolerating it ok.  He had one day he was sick, throwing up and not feeling well at all.  This is the week they gave him some different medication along with his Chemo.  Tomorrow (Wed) he will go in for his 3rd treatment.  Today dad went to the doctor.  He began by getting his blood drawn followed up by seeing the doctor.  Although he didn't get to see his normal doctor, he saw (what I think) was a PA.  I was unable to make the appt. which from now on at this stage of the game I will no longer be unable.  I have to be honest and warn you that this blog post may not be the nicest of nice.  I am highly irritated with the health care system at the moment so unfortunately this may get a little pissy.  It seems as if dad had a CT scan in Wenatchee when he was doing his radiation.  Come to find out mom and dad never received those results, so today at his appt. this CT scan was brought up for discussion.  Numerous things were mentioned (remember this was well over a month ago when this CT was performed) lets begin with numerous nodules on the lung lobes that are most likely "metastasized" that we have heard nothing about, or the fact that they discuss lesions on the liver.  But wait that's not all regarding the liver ~ they state in the report dated in a 2005 study that the lesions have increase in size.  (LESIONS IN 2005????)  What the hell are they talking about?  He has been having questionable lesions since 05 and this is the 1st time we are hearing about it?  We have been well aware that his liver function test have been abnormal but have never heard of lesions.  Ok.........I'm breathing..............nice   s l o w   d e e p  
b r e a t h.....  I apologize I get a little upset when I discuss stupidity.  So let me take a moment to recap:
**  In my last post I told you that they said 1 month without Chemo  2-4 months with Chemo.
**  This post I state that we "think, but don't know for sure because the doctors can't give us a straight yes or no answer" that dads cancer has now moved to his lungs and has possibly been there for over a month without anyone bothering to tell us.
**  Also the lesions on the liver (probably best I don't get started on that again)

So here we are, back to shaking our heads but never asking whats next.  I do have to question, is it because it's in his lungs the reason they said one month with chemo?   Things that would of been nice to know. 
Pet Peeve for today :   Don't treat us like we are idiots, give us the facts as you know them, don't beat around the bush trying to make it easier on our emotions because all it does is piss us off.  Give us the facts and give them to us straight.  We don't have a lot of time for nonsense.

****Allow my window to open, let the strength in my soul give you the power to overcome*****

Life and Emotions

Life and emotions:  We're told throughout our life that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  I really have to question god's reasoning regarding this matter.  We are no different than any other family that has had to go through the emotional roller coaster of fighting cancer.  Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeve, some of us feel the pain and only release it when we are around those sleeves, and then there is me.  I am the one who sees reality, who accepts it for what it is and holds every ounce of emotion back.  I re-directed it into smart ass comments, jokes and just plain ignore it.  I never asked to be like this, nor do I always feel it's healthy but its who I am.


My mom and I were supposed to go out on a date tonight.  Dinner together just the 2 of us.  Instead we skipped dinner and went shopping.  It was nice to spend some time with her but not so nice to hear what she had to say.
Last Sunday mom and dad went to church.  They have not been to church since I was about 5.  For this to happen must mean that god is calling them into his home here on earth.  I have never been religious but I do believe in god.  Yesterday the pastor came to visit dad.  During that visit dad accepted Christ back into his heart.  (Big deep breath, swallow lump, and continue)  Dad's pain is getting worse everyday.  You can no longer touch him without hurting him in some way or another.  Mom finally called the doctor.  Morphine has been increased again 60mg (morning), 60mg (afternoon), and 90 mg (bedtime).  It has been exactly 2 months today that he was diagnosed.  Mom asked the question, the question that no one wants to hear and a doctor doesn't want to say.  How long?  The answer:  Without chemo 1 month  with chemo 2-4 months.  WHAT THE HELL!!!!  1 freaking month.  Ok - so we do the chemo, and pray that the doctors are wrong.  He was supposed to start the chemo on the 15th but after the conversation with the doctor today it could start as soon as tomorrow.  They are just waiting for the phone call. 
I sat and chatted with dad for a bit this evening after learning all this new information.  Mom hasn't told him what the doctor said today.  If I were her I don't think I would.  I don't want to see him give up just because the doctor said 1 month without chemo.  Knowing dad he would say "well shit, if I only have 1 month before my ticket expires I might as well feel good (or as good as I can)  He seems to still be in good spirits, at least when I'm around.  Mom and gram says that he's been a bit of ass (haha) ok so hes been really grouchy.  They can have the grouchy I will keep the good spirits.  :)  


As I bring this to a close I just want to remind everyone that my kids are aware that "poppy" is sick, that he has cancer and so forth.  They do not know that it could be only a matter of months.  I do not have the heart, strength, or energy to crush them yet.  With that said please do not approach me and my kids and ask questions in a sad voice and caring eyes "Is there any hope"  because unfortunately all this does it make me have to do emotional damage control and try to control my anger management issues.  :)  Thank you.