Life and emotions: We're told throughout our life that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I really have to question god's reasoning regarding this matter. We are no different than any other family that has had to go through the emotional roller coaster of fighting cancer. Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeve, some of us feel the pain and only release it when we are around those sleeves, and then there is me. I am the one who sees reality, who accepts it for what it is and holds every ounce of emotion back. I re-directed it into smart ass comments, jokes and just plain ignore it. I never asked to be like this, nor do I always feel it's healthy but its who I am.
My mom and I were supposed to go out on a date tonight. Dinner together just the 2 of us. Instead we skipped dinner and went shopping. It was nice to spend some time with her but not so nice to hear what she had to say.
Last Sunday mom and dad went to church. They have not been to church since I was about 5. For this to happen must mean that god is calling them into his home here on earth. I have never been religious but I do believe in god. Yesterday the pastor came to visit dad. During that visit dad accepted Christ back into his heart. (Big deep breath, swallow lump, and continue) Dad's pain is getting worse everyday. You can no longer touch him without hurting him in some way or another. Mom finally called the doctor. Morphine has been increased again 60mg (morning), 60mg (afternoon), and 90 mg (bedtime). It has been exactly 2 months today that he was diagnosed. Mom asked the question, the question that no one wants to hear and a doctor doesn't want to say. How long? The answer: Without chemo 1 month with chemo 2-4 months. WHAT THE HELL!!!! 1 freaking month. Ok - so we do the chemo, and pray that the doctors are wrong. He was supposed to start the chemo on the 15th but after the conversation with the doctor today it could start as soon as tomorrow. They are just waiting for the phone call.
I sat and chatted with dad for a bit this evening after learning all this new information. Mom hasn't told him what the doctor said today. If I were her I don't think I would. I don't want to see him give up just because the doctor said 1 month without chemo. Knowing dad he would say "well shit, if I only have 1 month before my ticket expires I might as well feel good (or as good as I can) He seems to still be in good spirits, at least when I'm around. Mom and gram says that he's been a bit of ass (haha) ok so hes been really grouchy. They can have the grouchy I will keep the good spirits. :)
As I bring this to a close I just want to remind everyone that my kids are aware that "poppy" is sick, that he has cancer and so forth. They do not know that it could be only a matter of months. I do not have the heart, strength, or energy to crush them yet. With that said please do not approach me and my kids and ask questions in a sad voice and caring eyes "Is there any hope" because unfortunately all this does it make me have to do emotional damage control and try to control my anger management issues. :) Thank you.
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