The End of a Chapter

Perhaps they are not really stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy. ~ Eskimo Legend

 This has been the hardest entry to my blog. I have thought about it a million times but could never find the words I wanted to use. March 24, 2011 at 9:25 am will never just be March 24^th ever again. Instead this will be the day I lost my daddy. It has been over 2 weeks now and I actually think it is getting harder. We were prepared and we knew that the day would come, but really how prepared can someone be to lose a loved one.
My mom: She has been so strong!!! But lets face it, she is human. Mom and dad celebrated their 40^th wedding anniversary last August. I can’t imagine what she must be going through. She has a fabulous support group. I don’t think her friends really know what a huge impact they have had on her life. My mom and I seem to have a lot in common. This week is also the week it is finally sinking in. I only wish there were a way for me to help her with her pain. I wish I could pull it from her and carry it on my shoulders.
I told you when I started this blog that life is about no regrets. I can honestly say I don’t have any regrets. I told somebody very close to me that life is to short, tell the people you love that you love them. If you can’t say it then write it. Nothing is worse than lying next to someone as they are dying and telling them everything you have ever wanted to say. Again it’s about no regrets.
Dad kept his sense of humor until the very end. The night before he died mom, Eric and I were camping in the living room to be close to dad. Eric and I use to argue all the time growing up. I usually got irritated because Eric would chew his food to loud. (dumb I know, but trust me it’s bad) Well just like usual we were all quite and getting ready for bed when Eric decided to eat some whoppers or M&M’s (some sort of candy) CHOP, CHOP, CHOP. OMG are you kidding me, you are so loud. Eric just giggled, and everything got quite again. CHOP, CHOP, CHOP, this time mom says "what is that noise" - It’s YOUR son. Hahaha we all laughed, and even though dad hadn’t spoke all day I said "Hey dad, look at that you get us all home again and Eric and I are arguing just like we use to." CHOP, CHOP, CHOP…. Good god Eric you are so loud you’re gonna wake up dad. Right then dad groaned uh huh. Wahahaha – See I told you…
That was my last favorite memory.
A memorial dinner was held for dad on Sunday March 27, 2011. The amount of people that came makes me want to cry. Dad was the kind of guy that never cared what you looked like, if you were popular, if you were a geek, if you were rich or poor, the only thing he cared about is that you were you. It’s takes a very special person to never judge.
I would like to thank everyone that continued to pray, send positive thoughts, those that donated time for my mom to have the opportunity to spend this important time with my dad, those who brought food, drinks, cards, flowers and money. I just don’t think words would ever be enough. We are all just so grateful to live in such a caring community. I have really dreaded writing this blog because I felt like I was ending my book. But instead, I think this is just the end to a chapter. Even though dad is gone in body, he is still and will forever be with us in spirit and heart. 

Tick Tock

Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.  Our days are getting shorter as our hearts are getting sadder.  We know what we are soon to be faced with, and no matter how much you prepare, we are still not ready to say good-bye.  I feel as if my body is numb.  We have finally came to the moment in dads sickness where we had to prepare the kids for the inevitable.  Kids are not stupid, they know whats going on but it has now been confirmed.  Dad's health has taken a severe drop in a matter of just days.  Hospice came in and began care.  He was brought a bed, wheel chair, potty chair and whatever medication he will need to stay comfortable.  The bed was delivered just in time.  He is pretty much confined to bed now.  Left arm (the one he broke) is no longer functional and the right arm is not far behind.  Eating has became a chore within itself.  Mom helps him because he shakes so bad he can't make it to his mouth.  His medications make him very lethargic.  I will give him the fact he has lost his sense of humor.  Today when I asked him if he need something to drink he said "whiskey" - "southern comfort", and asked mom to get naked.  LOL....  Crazy guy.  Before I left I was leaning over him talking and he rolled his eyes back in his head and blinking his eyes lashes really fast.  Of course my eye brows went up with a "oh crap" thought when he opened his eyes and laughed.  "Damn it dad, Don't do that to me"  hahahaha...  So yep, still got that sense of humor.  Please keep our family in your prayers.

Life's Changes

Life seems to spiral out of control when you least expect it.  It has been awhile since my last post.  So let's catch up.  Dad has finally got some use back to his arm.  After him begging and pleading the doctors to do something they decided to build him a bone.  He now has a "concrete" type bone in his left arm with 2 plates holding it together.  The arm has been taking a while to heal.  Actually it currently has staph which allows dad to consume more meds.  :-(  Dad finished his first round of chemotherapy.  At the end of February it was time to see if all of the hard work of radiation and chemo had managed to give us the hope we were desperately hoping for.  Unfortunately the cancer is winning the fight.  It has progressed farther into the bones mainly into the spine.  The spots on the upper spine (t-spine) and lower spine (l-spine) have begun to grow out of the spinal canal.  The doctor informed us that it was time to call in hospice.  But first we consulted with radiation oncology and decided that 5 more shots of radiation to the painful areas might just help control the pain and give dad and better quality of life.  Today I traveled with mom and dad to Wenatchee to have dads second treatment and a brain scan.  Dad has been experiencing what he calls "motor problems".  His arms and legs seem to have uncontrolled spasms.  Not just small spasms but enough sometimes to possibly hurt if you got in the way.  Needless to say dad is no longer allowed to make coffee.  Kinda messy.  :-)  I must admit we set ourselves up for the worst news possible today.  Mom and I didn't have to say it, but we were both thinking the same thing.  The cancer has moved to the brain.  The doctor went over the MRI with the radiologist and informed us that there was NOTHING in dads head.  lol  - ok, he did say he had a brain.  :-)  1 sign of relief.  Dad has been losing weight at a more rapid pace lately.  When this whole nightmare started he weighed 253 lbs today he weighs 180.  Nights are hard.  Pain is bad, but he will give you a smile and tell you that all is good.  The man is my hero over and over again.  Anyone that can look death in the eye and still put on a show for his family and friends deserves all that life can give him. 

Ring around the Rosey

 I remember as a child playing ring around the rosey.  It made me realize that this little game we thought was so much fun was actually preparing us for life.  "We all fall down" and just like in the game after we fall down we get back up and do it again.

 
I kept my word and went to dad's doctor appt with him last Tuesday.  I want to say it went well.  The doctor seemed very pleased with what dad was explaining to her.  He says that his pain is better and he is only taking his morphine before bed and right when he gets up.  Mainly because the nights seem to be the worst.  He has not been sleeping well so she prescribed him a sleeping aid.  After talking to mom, dad has slept a lot better.  The doctor feels that the chemo is doing it's job.  For the most part you can touch dad and not have him scream in pain.  She wants to re-scan in the middle of February.  She feels that dad wouldn't be sitting there talking to her the way he was if things were getting worse.  So we are all trying to be optimistic that cancer is taking a step back or at least not growing.
I finally talked to my kids about everything.  I haven't wanted to because I haven't wanted them to worry.

They seemed to take it much better than I thought.  I told them that Poppy's cancer is like a house fire and his body is his house.  It starts out in small, confined to 1 room but Poppy's fire has spread into other rooms and right now we are using the Chemo and Radiation (the fire fighters) to fight the fire.  They seemed to understand this concept which made the whole talk a lot easier.

 

Dad also had an appt with his orthopedic surgeon.  Are you sitting down.....they want to do surgery and put a rod in dads arm so he can have use of it back.  Ugh!  Gotta be honest, stresses me out a little.  #1 He's not in his best health (obviously) so going under worries me. #2 I have always been told that when a person has cancer and they do surgery, it makes the cancer worse (oxygen vs cancer cells = trouble).  But who am I and what do I know.  Either way the surgery is scheduled for Monday January 31st .

 

I know the blog has not been getting update as much as it should, but when there is nothing to report I just hate to blog.  So please keep in mind that no blog is a good sign.  :)   I will update again after the surgery.  Please continue the prayers.

 

The Window

Does a persons dreams act as a window to our soul?  In a conversation the other day I learned of a beautiful bright white room.  It was described as the most amazing, beautiful, pain free, at peace place one will ever experience.  If that was heaven then that is where I want to be.  Although this "dream" did not last long enough, a voice, a voice called his name "Bill?" and it was done.  Pulled away from the bright white room.  Which leaves me to question - Was this a sample of what is to come or was this just a silly Morphine induced dream?  Honestly, I'm not ready to die to find out.

We have made it through yet another holiday.  I worried that Christmas was gonna be hard, but it really wasn't.  I didn't waste my time thinking about this probably being my last Christmas with him.  Instead I savored each word of every conversation.  It all comes back to regrets......I will never regret the time I have spent with my dad.

He is going on week 3 of his Chemo Therapy.  He has been tolerating it ok.  He had one day he was sick, throwing up and not feeling well at all.  This is the week they gave him some different medication along with his Chemo.  Tomorrow (Wed) he will go in for his 3rd treatment.  Today dad went to the doctor.  He began by getting his blood drawn followed up by seeing the doctor.  Although he didn't get to see his normal doctor, he saw (what I think) was a PA.  I was unable to make the appt. which from now on at this stage of the game I will no longer be unable.  I have to be honest and warn you that this blog post may not be the nicest of nice.  I am highly irritated with the health care system at the moment so unfortunately this may get a little pissy.  It seems as if dad had a CT scan in Wenatchee when he was doing his radiation.  Come to find out mom and dad never received those results, so today at his appt. this CT scan was brought up for discussion.  Numerous things were mentioned (remember this was well over a month ago when this CT was performed) lets begin with numerous nodules on the lung lobes that are most likely "metastasized" that we have heard nothing about, or the fact that they discuss lesions on the liver.  But wait that's not all regarding the liver ~ they state in the report dated in a 2005 study that the lesions have increase in size.  (LESIONS IN 2005????)  What the hell are they talking about?  He has been having questionable lesions since 05 and this is the 1st time we are hearing about it?  We have been well aware that his liver function test have been abnormal but have never heard of lesions.  Ok.........I'm breathing..............nice   s l o w   d e e p  
b r e a t h.....  I apologize I get a little upset when I discuss stupidity.  So let me take a moment to recap:
**  In my last post I told you that they said 1 month without Chemo  2-4 months with Chemo.
**  This post I state that we "think, but don't know for sure because the doctors can't give us a straight yes or no answer" that dads cancer has now moved to his lungs and has possibly been there for over a month without anyone bothering to tell us.
**  Also the lesions on the liver (probably best I don't get started on that again)

So here we are, back to shaking our heads but never asking whats next.  I do have to question, is it because it's in his lungs the reason they said one month with chemo?   Things that would of been nice to know. 
Pet Peeve for today :   Don't treat us like we are idiots, give us the facts as you know them, don't beat around the bush trying to make it easier on our emotions because all it does is piss us off.  Give us the facts and give them to us straight.  We don't have a lot of time for nonsense.

****Allow my window to open, let the strength in my soul give you the power to overcome*****

Life and Emotions

Life and emotions:  We're told throughout our life that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  I really have to question god's reasoning regarding this matter.  We are no different than any other family that has had to go through the emotional roller coaster of fighting cancer.  Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeve, some of us feel the pain and only release it when we are around those sleeves, and then there is me.  I am the one who sees reality, who accepts it for what it is and holds every ounce of emotion back.  I re-directed it into smart ass comments, jokes and just plain ignore it.  I never asked to be like this, nor do I always feel it's healthy but its who I am.


My mom and I were supposed to go out on a date tonight.  Dinner together just the 2 of us.  Instead we skipped dinner and went shopping.  It was nice to spend some time with her but not so nice to hear what she had to say.
Last Sunday mom and dad went to church.  They have not been to church since I was about 5.  For this to happen must mean that god is calling them into his home here on earth.  I have never been religious but I do believe in god.  Yesterday the pastor came to visit dad.  During that visit dad accepted Christ back into his heart.  (Big deep breath, swallow lump, and continue)  Dad's pain is getting worse everyday.  You can no longer touch him without hurting him in some way or another.  Mom finally called the doctor.  Morphine has been increased again 60mg (morning), 60mg (afternoon), and 90 mg (bedtime).  It has been exactly 2 months today that he was diagnosed.  Mom asked the question, the question that no one wants to hear and a doctor doesn't want to say.  How long?  The answer:  Without chemo 1 month  with chemo 2-4 months.  WHAT THE HELL!!!!  1 freaking month.  Ok - so we do the chemo, and pray that the doctors are wrong.  He was supposed to start the chemo on the 15th but after the conversation with the doctor today it could start as soon as tomorrow.  They are just waiting for the phone call. 
I sat and chatted with dad for a bit this evening after learning all this new information.  Mom hasn't told him what the doctor said today.  If I were her I don't think I would.  I don't want to see him give up just because the doctor said 1 month without chemo.  Knowing dad he would say "well shit, if I only have 1 month before my ticket expires I might as well feel good (or as good as I can)  He seems to still be in good spirits, at least when I'm around.  Mom and gram says that he's been a bit of ass (haha) ok so hes been really grouchy.  They can have the grouchy I will keep the good spirits.  :)  


As I bring this to a close I just want to remind everyone that my kids are aware that "poppy" is sick, that he has cancer and so forth.  They do not know that it could be only a matter of months.  I do not have the heart, strength, or energy to crush them yet.  With that said please do not approach me and my kids and ask questions in a sad voice and caring eyes "Is there any hope"  because unfortunately all this does it make me have to do emotional damage control and try to control my anger management issues.  :)  Thank you.

Thanksgiving

The whole month of November I watched people post on my facebook what they are thankful for.  I didn't post 1 thankful thought.  There are many things I'm thankful for but in the same hand there are many things I'm not.  I am thankful for my kids, my parents, my brother, my grandma and of course all the other friends and family I have in my life.  But I am not thankful for the amount of shit that continues to get piled on our plates day after day after day - and were not talkin food.  As I looked through all the pictures I took during our Thanksgiving feast instead of feeling joy that the whole family could be together I felt pain.  Pain in my heart.  So much has changed in the last couple months.  I noticed that my dads color has changed and he now has a neck.  No typo a "neck".  Dad has been pretty big for quite some time and his neck disappeared.  Not anymore, he has the look.  The look of someone that is sick.  Pasty/chalky skin color with a tinge of yellow.  Next holiday Christmas, not sure I even want to take pictures. 

Dad is now done with all of his radiation treatments.  On December 15th the chemo will be begin.  For those of you that do not have access to my facebook, dad had a new x-ray taken of his broken arm.  Hoping it was healing was so far off from what it was actually doing.  I can honestly say the break is gone.  The radiation has done it's job in his arm for sure.  It killed all the bad cells that caused the break in the first place.  But while it killed the bad cells it also killed the healthy one along with the bone.  He now has a plate attached almost nothing.  The radiation ate the bone  so now there is a big empty hole where bone should be.  Below is his x-ray.....

 Very cool for the kinds of people that like this kinda stuff (me for 1) and a bit disturbing for those that don't like it.  Sorry.
Dad has still been having a lot of pain in his hip.  X-rays were taken on those as well.  No problems seen in the hip bones. As for why he hurts so bad we don't know, we just figure it's the cancer talkin.  I will continue to keep everyone updated.  Post are becoming more spread out because no one wants to hear "today was a good day" or "today was a bad day"  I much rather say a bunch of things in 1 post rather than nothing in a lot.