Day 12

They say that the eyes are a door into ones soul.  My eyes change colors with the way I'm feeling.  Tonight they are a color I have never seen before.  When I am angry they will turn a deep coal grey, when I cry they turn a bright green, and any other day they stay hazel (I guess)  Tonight when I look I have an outer ring of deep coal grey, this new color of um blue,grey, green all swirled, and the inner circle of bright green.  I think my emotions are confussed.  Here's why:

Today my son turns 7.  As much as I hated to miss his birthday I knew I had to.  He will someday forget, but this day I will never forget.  Today is the 12th day since we found out about dads esophageal cancer.  On day 7 he broke his arm, and today, today we learned that.... sigh, it's in his bones.  He is at stage 4 (the worse it can get).  His esophagus is inoperable and there is nothing they can do.  We are looking at having him months not years.  They said he could go through chemo and radation but it may only prolong his life by a couple of months (sick months at that).  They are discussing "quality" of life, not "quanity".  He will do radition.  Since the cancer is in the bones (left arm, left leg, left hip, and spine) he will need to have those areas shot with radiation to help heal the broken arm and prevent he other bones from breaking.  The testing that was supposed to be done today was cancelled instead we spent our afternoon waiting to hear the worst news we could possibly hear.  Mom still doesn't want to believe it, in my heart I already expected the worst, Eric is feeling quilty and dad, well I still don't think he's woke up. :-s
We ae all fighting to be strong for eachother.  Dad asked mom not to break down cause if she does then he will and then I will.  But honestly I've been ok until I had to sit here and type this.  The night time sucks!!!  It's when your brain has nothing better to than think think and think.  I just don' think I can type anymore.