The Window

Does a persons dreams act as a window to our soul?  In a conversation the other day I learned of a beautiful bright white room.  It was described as the most amazing, beautiful, pain free, at peace place one will ever experience.  If that was heaven then that is where I want to be.  Although this "dream" did not last long enough, a voice, a voice called his name "Bill?" and it was done.  Pulled away from the bright white room.  Which leaves me to question - Was this a sample of what is to come or was this just a silly Morphine induced dream?  Honestly, I'm not ready to die to find out.

We have made it through yet another holiday.  I worried that Christmas was gonna be hard, but it really wasn't.  I didn't waste my time thinking about this probably being my last Christmas with him.  Instead I savored each word of every conversation.  It all comes back to regrets......I will never regret the time I have spent with my dad.

He is going on week 3 of his Chemo Therapy.  He has been tolerating it ok.  He had one day he was sick, throwing up and not feeling well at all.  This is the week they gave him some different medication along with his Chemo.  Tomorrow (Wed) he will go in for his 3rd treatment.  Today dad went to the doctor.  He began by getting his blood drawn followed up by seeing the doctor.  Although he didn't get to see his normal doctor, he saw (what I think) was a PA.  I was unable to make the appt. which from now on at this stage of the game I will no longer be unable.  I have to be honest and warn you that this blog post may not be the nicest of nice.  I am highly irritated with the health care system at the moment so unfortunately this may get a little pissy.  It seems as if dad had a CT scan in Wenatchee when he was doing his radiation.  Come to find out mom and dad never received those results, so today at his appt. this CT scan was brought up for discussion.  Numerous things were mentioned (remember this was well over a month ago when this CT was performed) lets begin with numerous nodules on the lung lobes that are most likely "metastasized" that we have heard nothing about, or the fact that they discuss lesions on the liver.  But wait that's not all regarding the liver ~ they state in the report dated in a 2005 study that the lesions have increase in size.  (LESIONS IN 2005????)  What the hell are they talking about?  He has been having questionable lesions since 05 and this is the 1st time we are hearing about it?  We have been well aware that his liver function test have been abnormal but have never heard of lesions.  Ok.........I'm breathing..............nice   s l o w   d e e p  
b r e a t h.....  I apologize I get a little upset when I discuss stupidity.  So let me take a moment to recap:
**  In my last post I told you that they said 1 month without Chemo  2-4 months with Chemo.
**  This post I state that we "think, but don't know for sure because the doctors can't give us a straight yes or no answer" that dads cancer has now moved to his lungs and has possibly been there for over a month without anyone bothering to tell us.
**  Also the lesions on the liver (probably best I don't get started on that again)

So here we are, back to shaking our heads but never asking whats next.  I do have to question, is it because it's in his lungs the reason they said one month with chemo?   Things that would of been nice to know. 
Pet Peeve for today :   Don't treat us like we are idiots, give us the facts as you know them, don't beat around the bush trying to make it easier on our emotions because all it does is piss us off.  Give us the facts and give them to us straight.  We don't have a lot of time for nonsense.

****Allow my window to open, let the strength in my soul give you the power to overcome*****

Life and Emotions

Life and emotions:  We're told throughout our life that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle.  I really have to question god's reasoning regarding this matter.  We are no different than any other family that has had to go through the emotional roller coaster of fighting cancer.  Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeve, some of us feel the pain and only release it when we are around those sleeves, and then there is me.  I am the one who sees reality, who accepts it for what it is and holds every ounce of emotion back.  I re-directed it into smart ass comments, jokes and just plain ignore it.  I never asked to be like this, nor do I always feel it's healthy but its who I am.


My mom and I were supposed to go out on a date tonight.  Dinner together just the 2 of us.  Instead we skipped dinner and went shopping.  It was nice to spend some time with her but not so nice to hear what she had to say.
Last Sunday mom and dad went to church.  They have not been to church since I was about 5.  For this to happen must mean that god is calling them into his home here on earth.  I have never been religious but I do believe in god.  Yesterday the pastor came to visit dad.  During that visit dad accepted Christ back into his heart.  (Big deep breath, swallow lump, and continue)  Dad's pain is getting worse everyday.  You can no longer touch him without hurting him in some way or another.  Mom finally called the doctor.  Morphine has been increased again 60mg (morning), 60mg (afternoon), and 90 mg (bedtime).  It has been exactly 2 months today that he was diagnosed.  Mom asked the question, the question that no one wants to hear and a doctor doesn't want to say.  How long?  The answer:  Without chemo 1 month  with chemo 2-4 months.  WHAT THE HELL!!!!  1 freaking month.  Ok - so we do the chemo, and pray that the doctors are wrong.  He was supposed to start the chemo on the 15th but after the conversation with the doctor today it could start as soon as tomorrow.  They are just waiting for the phone call. 
I sat and chatted with dad for a bit this evening after learning all this new information.  Mom hasn't told him what the doctor said today.  If I were her I don't think I would.  I don't want to see him give up just because the doctor said 1 month without chemo.  Knowing dad he would say "well shit, if I only have 1 month before my ticket expires I might as well feel good (or as good as I can)  He seems to still be in good spirits, at least when I'm around.  Mom and gram says that he's been a bit of ass (haha) ok so hes been really grouchy.  They can have the grouchy I will keep the good spirits.  :)  


As I bring this to a close I just want to remind everyone that my kids are aware that "poppy" is sick, that he has cancer and so forth.  They do not know that it could be only a matter of months.  I do not have the heart, strength, or energy to crush them yet.  With that said please do not approach me and my kids and ask questions in a sad voice and caring eyes "Is there any hope"  because unfortunately all this does it make me have to do emotional damage control and try to control my anger management issues.  :)  Thank you.

Thanksgiving

The whole month of November I watched people post on my facebook what they are thankful for.  I didn't post 1 thankful thought.  There are many things I'm thankful for but in the same hand there are many things I'm not.  I am thankful for my kids, my parents, my brother, my grandma and of course all the other friends and family I have in my life.  But I am not thankful for the amount of shit that continues to get piled on our plates day after day after day - and were not talkin food.  As I looked through all the pictures I took during our Thanksgiving feast instead of feeling joy that the whole family could be together I felt pain.  Pain in my heart.  So much has changed in the last couple months.  I noticed that my dads color has changed and he now has a neck.  No typo a "neck".  Dad has been pretty big for quite some time and his neck disappeared.  Not anymore, he has the look.  The look of someone that is sick.  Pasty/chalky skin color with a tinge of yellow.  Next holiday Christmas, not sure I even want to take pictures. 

Dad is now done with all of his radiation treatments.  On December 15th the chemo will be begin.  For those of you that do not have access to my facebook, dad had a new x-ray taken of his broken arm.  Hoping it was healing was so far off from what it was actually doing.  I can honestly say the break is gone.  The radiation has done it's job in his arm for sure.  It killed all the bad cells that caused the break in the first place.  But while it killed the bad cells it also killed the healthy one along with the bone.  He now has a plate attached almost nothing.  The radiation ate the bone  so now there is a big empty hole where bone should be.  Below is his x-ray.....

 Very cool for the kinds of people that like this kinda stuff (me for 1) and a bit disturbing for those that don't like it.  Sorry.
Dad has still been having a lot of pain in his hip.  X-rays were taken on those as well.  No problems seen in the hip bones. As for why he hurts so bad we don't know, we just figure it's the cancer talkin.  I will continue to keep everyone updated.  Post are becoming more spread out because no one wants to hear "today was a good day" or "today was a bad day"  I much rather say a bunch of things in 1 post rather than nothing in a lot.

It Could Always Be Worse

Life has began to take on a fast forward slow motion feel.  Everything seems to happen so fast but slow enough to take in each breath.  This has been one of the worst weeks.  I have found that when you love somebody you will do everything in your power to help them, comfort them, and just be there for them.  I watched a family pull together, lean on each other, love each other, cry with each other, and always worry about each other without worrying about themselves.  No matter what life throws at us it could always be worse.  People ask me all the time "how are you doing?"  Honestly, I'm just me.  Some days are good some days are bad, but just like everyone else when I fall I get up brush myself off and continue on.  Dad is a strong strong person, not just mentally but physically.  If I had to pick a hero, it would be him hands down.  He can be an ass, a comedian, a dork, a friend, a dad, a confidant, and a sounding board all in one.  In my world what more can you ask for. 

Treatments are moving along as scheduled.  He finished up his last treatment on the esophagus and hips today.  He will still be sore for a few days but by day 10 (Thanksgiving) his swallowing should become much easier.  Radiation will continue on his bones until Nov. 23 being his last day.  Tomorrow he will have his port put in.  We thought it would be the 17th but guess not.  December 15 we will meet with the oncologist and get chemo started.  Dad will have a choice to make 1 big horse pill a day or 1 IV treatment a week.  The chemo he will be starting has a very good tolerance for patients.  Maybe a little nausea but that's it.  It will help minimize pain and discomfort.  It's all about the quality of life.  Without any treatment were looking at 1-2 months with treatment it's doubled.  Everything is assumptions could be longer could be shorter.  Only god know.  As of the doctor's scales dad has currently lost 10 lbs since Oct. 25th.  You can tell he is losing - the big belly isn't as big anymore.

It has been awhile since I have made a post.  Only because there was not a lot to report.  Dad has been going through his radiation treatments in Wenatchee.  Mom and dad decided it would be easier to just stay down there instead of driving back and forth everyday.  It's good for them.  They need this time together.  It has gave them plenty of quite time to talk and discuss options they will be faced with.  None of us want to look towards the future only to find dad being the one that sees the light.  It has been just over 1 month since his diagnoses.  I never thought about it until I threw my feelings out on paper that within 1 month dad has went from having a little discomfort when he swallows to pain everywhere in his body, pain so bad that he can barely walk.  In one month he has went from Tylenol to Morphine.  They have a couple more weeks of radiation ahead of them.  The techs have really been focusing on both hips and the esophagus.  It has really been taking a toll on him physically.  He feels drained 98% of the day.  On November 17 he goes in to have a port placed (a small medical appliance that is installed beneath the skin. A catheter connects the port to a vein. Under the skin, the port has a septum through which drugs can be injected and blood samples can be drawn many times, usually with less discomfort for the patient than a more typical "needle stick".)  This will help when he is able to start the Chemo.  Things seem to be moving at an unmeasurable amount of speed.  I will continue to keep you updated as time goes on.

No time for regrets

As the days trickle by I find myself really stepping back and looking at life as a whole.  We live our busy lives not really ever thinking that it could change in the blink of an eye.  Our subconscious knows this can happen but we never quite get a grasp on it until it is thrown right at us.  I go and sit with my parents and find myself getting angry.  I know this is my defense mechanism because that's the kind of person I am.  But I wonder why, why are you guys just sitting around.  I feel like my mom should be doing all the research she can get her hands on, and I think my dad should act like he cares more.  But in all reality this this their defense mechanism.  Mom carries the look of stress while dad carries the what do you want me to do attitude.  I know deep down that mom is stressed, and she does just sit there.  But she sits there with dad and that's all that matters.  Whether she is watching him watch TV or she is listening to him sleep, she is with him taking in every ounce of him.  So for me to get angry - well that's just dumb.  You should live every minute like it is your last because there is no time for regrets.

Mom and dad are in Wenatchee right now.  He had a radiation treatment yesterday and met with the surgeon that will be placing his port for Chemo.  As of right now he is looking at more than 15 treatments of radiation before the Chemo can start.  I believe he will then have to wait 1-2 weeks before Chemo can get started.  I can't help to think if the chemo is gonna be worth it.  My heart says to do everything you can, but my mind says "get real, stop being so selfish".  It's not my call either way.  What I do know for a fact is that no matter what I will be there.  I will fight his fight with him and then fight a little more.

Ups & Downs

Getting pushed down is beginning to seem like a routine these days.  This week has definitely had it's ups and downs.  I am feeling guilty I wasn't there for my folks today.  Mom, Dad and Grandma went to Wenatchee today to meet with the radiation oncologist.  It seems that the MRI dad had on Wednesday is now showing that whatever this monster is that is growing inside of him is traveling at the speed of light.  He is now showing spots in both hips.  Keep in mind that we found out about this whole mess less than 20 days ago.  Radiation will now hit both hips and esophagus all at the same time.  The left femur and spine are still included in there somewhere.  Not sure if they will take treatments alone or if they will be included with the other parts of the body. Either way they need to get this treatment started, cause the way I see it, it's on a mad path of destruction. 

I have been asked quite a bit about how dad is doing with all of this.  For those of you that know him, know, that when it comes to bad luck he pretty much rolls with the punches.  When he is with me I see no change in his mental state.  He continues to just be dad.  I also know that people are afraid to call or stop by.  Please don't be afraid.  He is not in bed, he is not sick nor does he look sick.  His only complaint is that mom is keeping him restricted to "in sight" status.  No garage, No power tools, No working whats so ever.  I do believe if she had her way he would be duck taped with bubble wrap.  Do you think that would be considered spousal abuse?  Thank god for the western channel because that is his best friend.  lol

Baby steps = BIG HOPE

Dear God,
I know you have been hearing from me a lot lately, but this time I want to say thank you.  Thank you for finally giving us something to grab onto.  Please continue to work your miracles.
Amen

We met with an Oncologist from Wenatchee I wish I could remember her name but I filled my brain with so much information that her name must of fell out.   :-s  oops!  It doesn't matter right now anyway.  She told us that we have options, options that the other assholes failed to mention.  She said that she is in strong favor for radiation and chemo.  I know what your thinking "chemo" "oh".  But..... with the advances in medicine the chemo he would be getting would actually make him feel better - not worse, and if he did get side affects then they would change the kind of chemo he's getting.  It is not a cure and it wont take the cancer away, but it will add quantity and quality of life to this whole messed up situation.  She is talking 1-2 years instead of months.  He will have to do the radiation in Wenatchee but the chemo can be done here in Omak.  She is also wants him to take Vit. D and Calcium along with a prescription to strengthen his bones.  God knows our days seem to be numbered before he breaks his hip. (I hope not)  When radiation starts they will radiate spine, hip, femur, arm and esophagus (will help him swallow)

So here is where we stand....

1. We finally have a doctor that sees some hope.
2. MRI Wednesday so they can pin point the exact spots to shoot with radiation
3. Dr. Lamberton Thursday to check the break and explain how they are gonna shoot radiation thru the cast
4. Friday - Meet with radiation oncologist.  Get game plan set and tattoos in place.
5. Next week - it all starts

It was a big day today, a very positive, and hope full day.  I know I probably missed some important information.  Sorry I will have to catch you up though next blog. :)

I want to send a message to my mom.  I want you to know that I am sorry.  I'm sorry for all the stress you have been under and the constant pain of staying strong.  You have every right to be pissed off and sad.  I'm sorry I'm the one who makes you break. :(   If you need it I will do it, just ask.  If you have problems gettin' his socks on his square flinstone feet call me I will do it.  If you just need some time to yourself, call me.  I would be more than happy to come sit and argue with dad.  I love you and I'm here for you.  Don't worry about me - I got your back!!!

I'm Ready

In life we travel many different roads.  Every road we take teaches us and makes us who we are today.  We have all tripped, gotten up, brushed ourselves off said "damn it" and continued on.  We are on the "I'm gonna make you fight" road.  It has taken me a couple of days to update the blog.  I'm sorry, I just wasn't up for it.  I am now!!!  I am ready to take the bull by the horns and kick the hell out him.  Today I will make my dad a promise:  If he will fight I will fight with him.  When he is weak I will be his strength, when he is sad I will shed a tear, when he screams and wants to hate the world he can scream at me.  I will fight his fight like it was my own.  I will NOT give up the partner I fish with, yard sale with, yell at sporting events with, and be friends with.

I truly believe that positive attitude, support from family and friends, and by far faith CAN create miracles. 

The support that has been flooding in is almost mind blowing.  Everyone has said to me "if you need anything let me know" Well I do need something from each and every one of you.  Please continue to pray, please continue to send positive energy.  If you know someone, anyone that can add Bill Arns to their pray chain at church please do.  Miracles do happen every day.  We need one of those miracles to happen to us.

Thanks for everything.  I know I have said it before but the out pouring of love is......is..... priceless.

Day 12

They say that the eyes are a door into ones soul.  My eyes change colors with the way I'm feeling.  Tonight they are a color I have never seen before.  When I am angry they will turn a deep coal grey, when I cry they turn a bright green, and any other day they stay hazel (I guess)  Tonight when I look I have an outer ring of deep coal grey, this new color of um blue,grey, green all swirled, and the inner circle of bright green.  I think my emotions are confussed.  Here's why:

Today my son turns 7.  As much as I hated to miss his birthday I knew I had to.  He will someday forget, but this day I will never forget.  Today is the 12th day since we found out about dads esophageal cancer.  On day 7 he broke his arm, and today, today we learned that.... sigh, it's in his bones.  He is at stage 4 (the worse it can get).  His esophagus is inoperable and there is nothing they can do.  We are looking at having him months not years.  They said he could go through chemo and radation but it may only prolong his life by a couple of months (sick months at that).  They are discussing "quality" of life, not "quanity".  He will do radition.  Since the cancer is in the bones (left arm, left leg, left hip, and spine) he will need to have those areas shot with radiation to help heal the broken arm and prevent he other bones from breaking.  The testing that was supposed to be done today was cancelled instead we spent our afternoon waiting to hear the worst news we could possibly hear.  Mom still doesn't want to believe it, in my heart I already expected the worst, Eric is feeling quilty and dad, well I still don't think he's woke up. :-s
We ae all fighting to be strong for eachother.  Dad asked mom not to break down cause if she does then he will and then I will.  But honestly I've been ok until I had to sit here and type this.  The night time sucks!!!  It's when your brain has nothing better to than think think and think.  I just don' think I can type anymore.

And here we go...

You know that dream, we've all had it.  The one when your falling and you can feel the fear deep down in the pit of your stomach, you want to scream but it just won't come out.  I think that's gotta be what my dad is feeling, but he hasn't woke up yet.  Hasn't felt those pins & needles all over his body, that rush of adrenaline, the sweat that beads up down your spine, and the thought of holy shit.....

He had a bone scan today (Monday Oct. 18, 2010).  3 spots of concern.  1 in his back, 1 in his pelvis & 1 in the lower left femur right above the knee.  So..... big deep breath, sigh.  What does that mean?  I will tell you what it means, it means more freakin' shitty news. 
We are leaving for Seattle tomorrow.  We will start with testing on Wednesday, and meet with the surgeon on Thursday.  Hopefully we will start getting some answers because right now we really don't know anything except he has Invasive Esophageal Cancer, a broken arm due to soft bones, and 3 dark spots on a bone scan.  Some answers is all I want.  At least then we can set a game plan.

Ok it's time I get off this negative pony I've been riding.  On a positive note:  All the heart testing dad has had lately he has passed with flying colors, his colon biopsy's all came back normal, and he has been very positive (on the outside anyway) 

Until next time:  Becky's quote for the day:  Treat others with the respect "you" deserve.

My Positive Panties

Today I'm gonna order up a year supply of "positive panties".  Dad went in for surgery today.  He is still in recovery but the doctor said he did really well.  He slept like a champ.   :)  I gotta tell ya, for as much as that guy has gone through he has the BEST attitude of anyone I have ever met.  My mother in law tells me that it's way easier for the patient than it is for the family.  I think she is right.  Dad had 8 screws and a plate put into his radius.  8 screws - holy o' crap!!!!   Dr. is really concerned, he doesn't want us to wait until we get to Seattle for a bone scan he wants it done Monday, Tues morning at the latest.  One of the other doctors in there said his bones were so soft they had a hard time getting the screws to stay in.  So what does that tell you...... probably the same thing it tells us.  "Oh shit, this is real, this is really happening"  How can 1 man have so much shitty luck?  My brother told me: if you have a lightning storm be sure dad is NOT outside cause he will get his for sure.  I am think I'm numb, I think my mom is ready to break at any moment, I think my brother feels helpless he can't be here and I think my dad just shakes his head and says "I don't know, I just don't know".  So I am taking every ones advice and I will put on my positive panties and I will continue to fight.  I may shed some tears quietly alone in my bathroom but I will be there for my family with love, support, smart ass comments, and time because it seems like time goes to fast!!!  For that every day question "How are you?" I will go ahead and answer that for all for us.  We are taking things day by day.
Tonight my husband, my in-laws, my kids, my mom and grandma will go to Rancho Chico's for dinner.  I may just drink my dinner tonight. :)  Poor dad will be sleeping off his surgery in the hospital.

You have got to be kidding me!!!

I don't even know how to start or where to start but here it goes.  Today has been one of those "You have got to be kidding me" kind of days.  I got the call a little before 10:00 this morning.  Dad has been taken to the E.R.  I guess he was working around the house getting things ready for our trip to Seattle (explain more in a minute)  Dad was taking the seat out of the van when some how or another the seat slipped a little bit out of his hands, when he quickly re-adjusted he felt pain begin in his forearm and he describes hearing  popping sounds followed by a "AWWWW" screaming pain.  He went yelling for Kenny (mom's brother) and was quickly rushed to the E.R.  When I arrived at the hospital, I realized just how much pain he was in.  His left arm had a bulge just under the elbow then the arm dented in (kinda like when you tie an ace bandage really tight and after a while you take it off and you have a great big indent) then above the wrist it went fat again.  Squishy fat like blood has drained down into the wrist. Kinda gross actually. (Sorry to all the weak stomach individuals)  The doctor came in and was 99% (his words) sure that dad had pulled all the muscles and tendons away from the bone.  After we wait and wait and wait they take him into x-ray.  Results:  Spiral fracture - the bone breaks in a spiral.  One of the worst breaks.  So come tomorrow (Saturday) dad will undergo surgery to have a plate put into his left arm.  Tues we will begin our 1st of many (I'm sure) travels to Seattle.  Dad will undergo a GI U/S and now I can almost guarantee that he will have a bone scan.  I know what you are all thinking "oh god, has it moved already into his bones" Trust me we have thought the same thing but we just won't know until we get to Seattle. 

Everyone says to stay positive, but as those of you know that have gone through similar things staying positive is gonna be a harder battle than the cancer.  I will update you tomorrow after the surgery.

Note to self:  Next time I pray to God, I will not ask him to give dad a break.  I will be more specific!!!

The Beginning

Thank you for checking out our blog.  We feel this might be the easiest way to keep our family and friends informed of Bill's fight.  As his daughter I am taking the liberties of getting this blog set up.  You will read things the way I see them.  I will do my best do give you important details, thoughts and emotions that the whole family is dealing with.  So lets start with the basics:
This is how it began.....  As we all know, dad has a nickname that fits him quite well, "Murphy" for Murphy's Law, if it's gonna happen to anyone it will happen to him.  The guy has been through a back surgery, a broken neck, and a massive brain tumor.  So to now hear that he has been diagnosed with Invasive Esophageal Cancer, well.... as much as we (I) hate to say it but I'm really not surprised.  This cancer is high in African Americans, heavy smokers, and heavy drinkers. (All in which he is not)  He has only 2 outta maybe 10 of the "high risk" criteria.  So again as "Murphy" it doesn't surprise me that this is happening. 
Last Wednesday October 6th dad went in for a colonoscopy and endoscopy.  The doctor said right away that the esophagus looks very abnormal.  He requested dad have a CT w/ contrast before leaving the hospital that day.  Mom and dad decided to spend 1 more night in Spokane to see if they could get some answers.  On Thurs. they talked to the doctor who told them he was concerned.  By Friday the biopsy's came back saying "Invasive Esophageal Cancer".  (Deep breath - sigh)  The doctor said I will call you next week and set up a time for you to come over, discuss, and send you to Seattle.  So now we wait.  For god sakes we don't want to wait we want ANSWERS now!!!  I will keep you informed as soon as we know anything.  I don't think reality is going to set in until we see it and hear it face to face.  Please add dad to any and all prayer chains.  They are an amazing source of power.  xoxo